Lesson 7: Active Listening – becoming a better listener

 

We’ve all heard how important it is, in all of our relationships, to become a better listener. This means becoming an active listener. This includes rephrasing the key points of what the other person has said and reflecting them back in our own words, often in the form of a question. For example: “So, you’d like the design of the site to reflect the high standards your curriculum sets for your students? Is that right?” Or in the case of a conversation with your significant other it might look like, “Do you mean that you want to skip the ball game and snuggle on the couch with me and watch a chick flick?” (Okay, that last one sounds a bit gender biased, but you get the idea—the latter would show that you probably weren’t listening AT ALL.) :)

Basically, active listening takes a lot of work. Because our minds tend to flit around, and we have a hard time focusing on one thing for more than a few minutes, we will jump to thinking about what we want to say next or just plain jump to conclusions about what the speaker really means (or even to something totally unrelated to the conversation taking place). These very human responses are at the root of most miscommunication. With practice, however, we can train ourselves to stay focused, concentrate on the message, ask questions, reflect and paraphrase—and become excellent listeners. This will help us in both our professional and our personal lives.

In Summary:

1. Pay Attention

  • If the conversation is face-to-face, look at the speaker directly.
  • Put aside those distracting thoughts. (Even if this means repeating in your mind the words being spoken to force you to stay in the moment.)
  • Don’t mentally prepare your response.
  • Don’t let other environmental factors distract you (don’t check your phone or computer, for example).

2. Show That You’re Listening

  • If face-to-face (including video conferences) nod occasionally, include smiles and other facial expressions, note that your posture is open and inviting.
  • Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes and uh huh.

3.    Provide Feedback

  • Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “So, it sounds like you are saying…” or “I understand you to mean…” or “Let me be sure I understand. What I’m hearing is…” are great ways to paraphrase what you heard and give the speaker a chance to clarify.
  • Ask questions on points that need clarification, “What do you mean when you say…” or “Is this what you mean?”
  • Periodically summarize the speaker’s comments.

4.    Defer Judgment

  • Don’t interrupt. It is a waste of time. It will frustrate the speaker and keep you from understanding the message.
  • Let the speaker finish each point before you begin to ask questions. (If you are afraid you’ll forget your questions, make a few notes to ask when they finish).

5.    Respond Appropriately

  • Active listening helps you gain information and perspective. It is a model for respect and understanding—so it is worth the effort to perfect.
  • Be candid, honest, and kind in your responses.
  • Treat the speaker in the way you think he or she would want to be treated (failing knowing that, treat him or her how you would like to be treated).